EURO EDITION

im taking advantage of this swedish google image search in hopes of coming up with a whole new crop of ridiculous hot tub photos. bring it, sverige!



there's probably a special section in hell reserved for this pasty-white, gold-chain-wearing, saggy breasted perv and his over-baked bride. holmes looks like a cross between dave coulier and gary busey. he's lucky his counterpart at least looks a bit older, so he can keep crossing state lines.




i'm laughing. you're laughing. she's laughing and all the world is laughing because this dude with the pipe's caterpillar brows are outta control! gotta give him props for smoking a pipe though, it seriously is always such a classy touch, and his smile is genuine enough to where if you asked him what's the secret to a happy life, he'd probably say "alcohol."




im not sure if what i'm seeing here is for real, but i think we have here is a legitimately all bro'd-out FAMILY. they probably have a lifted mini-van with a nautical star decal covering the entire rear window. pass the fuckin' tostitos, dude!




man. i mean...shit. obviously another big winner from linda's big connections, the go-to source for all my hot tub photo needs. next time one of your friends is in the dumps about how everyone they know has found someone and that they'll probably just be lonely and depressed forever and that they've tried match.com and e-harmony and myspace and they don't know if they can face the pressure from their parents who don't understand because they've been married since before TV was in color and they can't live much longer with the fear of being alone for eternity....just show them this photo. they'll shut up, i promise.




not only is this picture HUGE, but theres a serisously huge amount of stuff going on it. instant HTPB classic material right here. why is there a door labeled co2? why is there a gym in the reflection? what is that fucking weird chest tattoo? why does the dude in the annheuser bush hat have boobs? who invited the awkward nerdy dude with the jew-fro and glasses? whats the dude on the left looking at? people, i wish i had the answers but thats what makes magic and keeps me from being bored for a while.




another fucking puzzler from the same page of google image search that birthed the one above (this rarely happens, you see). at first in the thumbnail i though this dude was holding a snake, which would be weird enough, but i enlarge it and it turns out to be a fucking BOW. wha? huh? "man but seriously though, seriously, this bow is SICK. its awesome. you can like pull it back, and like grab an arrow and shoot it like seriously SO FAR. i could show you sometime, dude. its not even a thing, we could totally do it this weekend. yeah, totally, SICK".




man, another literally fat WHAT THE FUCK. seriously, why was this photo taken? was it taken for me? did you know i was coming, google? this is what your landlord does with your rent money. nice plates, dogg.




aaaalright, just decided to dip in for a bit to keep this thing breathing, be back hopefully soon for more, since i've only broke the surface with searching "jacuzzi" instead of "hot tub". later, turds!

LIKE A PHOENIX CRESTING FROM THE TOMB TO GREET THE SKY, WE RETURN

whats up all!
sorry its been like a thousand and two hundred bazillion years since i last dropped one of these, but trust me, even though this blog goes dormant for lengthy spells, it is NOT OVER. you know how sometimes you need time away from things to realize how good of a thing you have? same principal here. so without further separation from what you actually came here to read, here's the latest crop of the internet's finest hot tub images, for my criticism and your enjoyment!





dang, this is seriously a busy photo we have here. i almost glanced over this one; trust me, its hard enough to find ones that aren't porn, let alone find ones that aren't just some boring middle america slurms doing the same boring stuff they'd normally be doing in a hot tub. not the case here! first, who the hell is that lady in the bottom left?! maybe they're all adopted and that smile's because she's the "cool mom", but i somehow doubt it. dude behind her is clearly stoned or doing something you only discuss when you've drank too much. i think the dude in the very back has the best stance of them all though, doing some kind of striking cobra interpretive dance move ("i am...FIERCE!"). dude throwing up the piece sign in the middle is clearly assuming the position of "alpha party chief" in this photo. and lets be honest, who doesn't love a too-horny drunk dude who's trying to tongue your date?





a cruise is the middle class version of having "really made it", and these fools are just basking in it. let us all toast it, because it probably won't last long. for now though, tell that twink pool boy "two more mai tai's, wage slave!".





this one is just kind of classic. and its so true, "when you live in marin, you're in"...a place for rich hippies and earth-yuppies.





not one but two! this seems kind of "european"...you know what i mean. all these ones with just one girl in them are strange to me, dubious even. the bald guy looks like BAS RUTTEN, and a dangitty dangitty daaang.





admit it. you're laughing. or you at least chuckled. this one is just fucking hilarious! i feel like that movie Little Miss Sunshine really did the world a favor, by bringing hysterically awkward children far enough into the public eye so that less people will think i'm an asshole for laughing instead of saying "oh your poor thing".





man, fashion sure is stupid! what? huh? where? trust me, i know, i'm just as confused as to what in the hell is going on in this one. i like the obvious unholy mam-el-toe dickbulge the dude in front right is sportin' so coyly. work it, boy! if the leotard dude in the back were in a new york night club and not the...well, umm... wherever this is, he'd be published in vice's do's and dont's as fast as you can say "cheem".





WOULD YOU FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?!




and last but not least (till soon we meet again), here's one to make you hope your parents never do this! try if you can to find water here in this desolate place. these guys should be acquainted to the fine folks over at linda's big connections (check prior entries for reference point). please, give me more!

-

so thats it. see, it wasn't so hard after all. please look forward to more updates soon...i know i know i always say it. we're also going to be "published" soon as i'm going to do a review set for william's next issue of his BULLSHIT! zine. so keep this thing bookmared because I AM BACK!

it's not over 'till i say its over!

alright chumpy dumpty, you had seriously given up on me, hadn't you? admit it; it's cool. its not like i've done one of these in months or anything, so fair's fair.

anyway, less bullhonk, more hot tubs!
sorry for the delay, now ON WITH THE SHOW!!!




YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! i was simply not prepared when good ol' HTPB fan #1 DJ Rick dropped this nasty turd on my myspace comments. i don't even wanna know what these dudes are smiling about, let alone know what that filth in their hair is. 10 bucks says that ain't no "LA LOOKS" or "LA BELLA" gellin' those strands together. beardo in the front is looking especially gross; that face rug probably hasn't been cleaned since god knows when, so now its at that point where really old dudes' dreadlocks just grow into one solid mass of funky moss. moving on, check out that girl in the middle! its like her hair became residency for hundreds of lazy silkworms. and what is she holding, like some metal pitcher? never know, never will. at least they're drinking boddington's, so you know they're not total scum. thanks rick, another classic!




fuck yes, this is the shit right here! look at these dudes just big chillin', sippin' ledgewood and vendage, all cuttin' some jokes about their wives and talkin' muscle cars. nothing about this one is unclassy, but if i had to pick a winner, you know i'm putting all my chips on homeboy in the middle. trash tatts, gold chains, nascar (?) hat and the joakleys, this guy is the fuckin' M.A.N., maaaaan. he probably hasn't not had fun since '77, and it shows. if i could hand out prizes for these images, this guy would totally win a '81 trans am with a pile of van halen 8 tracks and an eightball of coke to do off the dash. jay-kay, you know that dude totally has ALL of those things!




"AAAAALRIIIIGHT GUYS! now, show of hands, WHO HERE IS GETTING OLD?!"




welcome to college! heres your party size doritos, cheap vodka, sorrority house hot tub and a one-way ticket to a regretful morning!!!




i can't thank the internet enough for this one! dumpy dudes throwin' some hands in the air, two thumbs up, peace signs, random business attire (shed the duds and have some fun, chief!), uneven dude-to-dudette ratio...this one has pretty much everything i could ever ask for! i really wish i had more to say, but i think everything about this one is absolutely PERFECT.



thats it for now friends, gotta slink back into hiding for a little while longer. you'd better believe though that in my time off from updating this thing i've amassed an even more sizeable collection of these things, so maybe an update will happen sooner than you think?

keep the faith and never say die!

sincere luv,
Andreas
HTPB editor-in-chief

I'M BAAAAAAACK: totally gross edition!

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS OVER.

YOU STOPPED CHECKING IT.

YOU KNEW HE DIDN'T HAVE IT IN HIM FOR ONE MORE...



WELL GUESS WHAT, MOTHERFUCK?! I! AM! BAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

....and pretty drunk. yes, this should indeed be fun!




suffice to say there is nothing savory going on in this here photo, folks. let me spell out exactly what this shitbag is for you, in case you haven't figured out his scheming from that shitty dirtbag look on his face. three words: MO. LEST. ER. well, ok, lets be fair...maybe he's a dad. or worse, a creepy older brother. but every one of us has known someone who has a dad who's a TOTAL CREEP. y'know the kind, i need not go into details. at first glance, i thought i would love to know who the mystery foot in the foreground belonged to, but then i wisened up and though better of it. if this hot tub could talk, it'd surely have something to say...and by the looks of it, you probably would be better off covering your ears.




let the gross times roll! am i really priveliged enough to be witnessing a SMIRNOFF ICE and a KEYSTONE (ice?) IN THE SAME PHOTO?! man, these are the good times. this guy will be doing everything he can, including feeding said beverages in copious amounts to get these ladies to put out. and with that cool of facial hair...well buddy, lets just say i wish you the best of luck (or the best of your ability to acquire GHB). DING DONG, HELLO! but seriously people, all i really could hope for is that what i think is a CAL hat is really a VON DUTCH hat (y'know, circa 2003?). then everything would be just fine.




OHHHHHH YES! somebody (fil, actually) rounded up another bunch of cool dudes for me to pick apart! i hope homie in the black hat is bi, cuz he looks like he's got his hands full. BOOYA! i love it when theres a bunch of confident babes str8 loungin' in their bikinis, save for the one lass wearin' a ONE-ZIE! its cool, though, cuz pastie-white pachuco face in the foreground doesn't give a damn if she still shops for her bathing suits with her mom at mervyn's. in fact, i'm sure everyone in this photo got laid, and were dissatisfied. thats just how it rolls when you're in college and you hate yr parents. HEY-YO!



...ok. seriously, i need to post this before i sober up and regret it. if theres a typo, fuck off, spell-checking is for weenies.


LATER CHOCHAS!

its been waaayyy too long!

sorry to all the friends, readers and lovers out there who've been checking up on this thing, probably thinking it was a dead cause in the last month or so. gotta admit, i've been really slacking on this front, but i suppose these things can happen. whatever, the good thing is that this thing is back and ready for some fucking action! this last month has brought some incredible pics to the table, so let us not waste any more time; on with it!



ahh, bros. they're always drinking cheap american pisswater, always making some ridiculous face, and thank god, always partying in hot tubs with underage girls. its nice to have constants in this world! seriously, check out how much of a sack the dude next to the lass with the pookah shell necklace is. D-U-M-P-Y! yet he'll probably be getting loads of action because he can toss some kind of ball skillfully. his buddy next to him is so beyond stoked that one of his friends parents are gone for the weekend. and yes, i think the dude in the bottom corner is preparing to do the "eatin' a va-jay-jay" gesture thing that only a classy gentlman or lady would perform. definitely a quality image!



more big fun from linda's big connections! i'm pretty sure fil found this one...its been a while. but wherever it came from, its just the kind of thing we need over here at HTPB headquarters, so thanks! well, now, what do we have here? looks like two happy chub-couples and a very unhappy fifth wheel to me. i'm feelin' the absolutely evil look on moustachio'd white dude's face. maybe he's actually choking his lady instead of cuddling her. i could spend the rest of this review bagging on our lonesome lady in the blue number, but i'm sure we're probably all on the same page with that one, so lets just skip it and agree she looks rather unfortunately man-ish, 'kay?

alright, now the next and final image for this upate is an extremely special one. so special, in fact, that it cant even be shown here. our friend dave apparently knew about this picture before i had even started this thing, but it took him a while to get the seal of approval for me to use it because he actually knows the people in this one in real life! oh, but he did, and we are truly blessed for it, because i hadn't laughed as hard as i did when i saw this in a long time. if a little (or i guess pretty sizeable) dong doesn't make you squeamish, and you're not somewhere where somebody you'd rather not see you looking at a picture with one in it, then brave onward, pilgrim! THIS one's for you!

keep checking back, because even though the updates might come a bit slower these days, this ship is far from sinking! don't forget, i'm always taking submissions, so e-mail me some!!!

and you thought this was over...

sorry kids, i know its been a while since i've updated this deal. but rest assured, this creation of mine is far from its end! as long as there are thousands of pages on google image search and as long as i can think up creative ways to search for them, there will be top quality hot tub party pics reviewed. and thats a guarantee!




oh man did fil ever deliver on this one! this fine pedigree comes from what is probably my new favorite website to browse for hot tub pics, "linda's big connections", a website dedicated to finding big ol' ladies love and places to hang out in hot tubs with said lovers (or something). once again, we have an extremely awkward grouping of people that makes this kind of thing so beautiful. my favorite thing here is the kind of sweetly retarded-looking guy a little left of center who's face is nothing but pure rapture for our tubby-hot-tub statue of liberty in the center. it's true, sonny, you done picked a winner! on the far right: arm brace, cast, or one of those hot topic avril levigne arm-sock things? you decide! the guy next to her is just sooo stoked that he simply has to be pointed out. hell, everyone in this picture is pretty much priceless! (literally) big up to linda's big connections for the good times!




YES! two thumbs up is exactly what i'm giving rick for finding this instant classic. in my dream world, these two gents are fighting (playfully, of course) for the right to massage homegirl's shoulders. and boy is she ever (playfully) distressed to be caught in between this battle! womb-broom dude is sporting one of the finest facial expressions to have graced this blog yet, like seriously top-notch. all-around this is truly amazing. we can always count on rick to bring the finest, and this is certainly no exception!




now HTPB reader brayan sent me this one via e-mail, but whats weird is that i actually found this guy myself a few months ago. we're on the same wavelength, dawg! i've been sitting on this for a long time, but you know it would be wrong of me to deprive you all of such a good picture! its been a while since we've had some wine in the hot tub too. this is another case where when i go to write about the picture, i find something completely different i'd never noticed before. case in point: i know y'all are looking and laughing at the foggin' glasses dude like i was, but look a little closer...dude's got boobs! see what i'm saying? i would have never guessed it to be a lady, but i done proved myself wrong! the duder behind him/her is looking equally as stumped too. not blamin' ya, pal!


wellp, thats it for now, but you know i'll be back with more soon, so stay put!

we don't die, we multiply!

my best bud fil has been in this hot tub party searchin' game with me for quite some time, and he's come up with quite a few amazing finds over the years (see: alien hot tub pic). so knowing i was a little dry on photos for this update, i put him to work and damn did he ever deliver! keeping with the "one man show" theme, here's some finer images hand-selected by one of the best, reviewed shotgun-style in two sentances or less:




hairy...no ladies...moustaches.....i smell BEARS!!!




you wanna try and find a picture more creepy and unsettling than this one? go ahead, I DARE YOU!




most. boring. hottub. party. ever.
period.




guy on the left: "WHOOOOAAAAAAA! YEAAAAAHHH!!! (probably) ARIZONA STATE!!!" where exacty is the lighting in this one coming from?




the dialog bubbles (not my doing) were not needed in order to make this one hilarious. GLOWSTICKS!




this one is pretty fucking good...




...but this one is BETTER!




that mosaic blur should be covering a lot more than just a few faces, namely sooo many pairs of gross floppy boobs. however, it should not cover up CROWD-SURFING A FOAM PARTY!




try as you might, but there is no way of convincing me that this one isn't just TEEMING with latent homoeroticism!


and last but certainly not least...









"fuuuuuuuuuck, huh"